A Real Smile in the Hurt
House
At times I'd leave the
house and just lay in the grass. The aura of the house was different and had
been that way for a while. Mom hadn't been the same since dad left. She
couldn't even smile.
I couldn't stay inside
for long. It was the same for other family members who visited. My sister
physically felt sick the last time she was over. Mom said she overreacted. I
felt the same way then. Now I understand.
I remember mom asked why
I sometimes lie in the grass. I think she knew why but didn't want to say.
A few days ago I was
watching TV and mom walked into the living room and sat next to me. She didn't
say anything. It was weird to sit there in silence. I didn't feel right
laughing at the cartoons anymore, no matter how funny they were. We both just
stared at the TV until she got up and left the room.
A bit after that mom made
us dinner. We didn't talk to each other the whole time. We just ate and focused
on our plates, our forks tapping every so often, a smack here, a sniff there.
Mom finished her meal first and went to the kitchen to clean her dishes. I told
her I would do them but she said no. She said she wanted to. I didn't argue.
I took my dishes in next
and sat them on the counter next to mom. She had her head hung over sink. She
looked like she was focused on cleaning but a closer look showed me she'd been
crying. I asked if she needed my help with the dishes. Again, she said no. I
asked if she needed me and mom paused for a while before saying "Of
course."
She said she needed me
now more than ever. At that moment I felt a difference in the house. I hugged
her and her wet hands wrapped around me. Her hands clung to my shirt. Her
teardrops hit my head. Sadness seemed to seep slowly away.
"More than
ever," she repeated.
# # #
Nowadays mom smiles
again. These smiles are real, no longer forcing themselves through pain. Over
time she talked more. She came to be like she used to be. And her smile makes
me smile. I'll never forget the hug mom gave me the day her real smile came
back. I'll never forget the feeling of a house exhaling. It was like new air
had been released. It warming and cooling at the same time.
For the first time in a
while my sister visited again. This time she didn't get sick. This time we all
had a great time together. I didn't understand much as a child. Now I'm
starting to get how things go, how things change, how people change, how the
possessions they own can change as well.
The house was so hurt. It
just needed time to heal. It just needed time to get better. After it did, so
did our family. Now we're whole again, and happy, and smiling, and being who we
are with each other. Sharing pain sometimes, but most times just satisfied with
sitting together talking, laughing and knowing how much we love each other.
